Cleo & Sonya's Excellent ShoujoAi Adventure
by Al Kristopher
Summary: Tired of the Suikoden archives being inundated with shounen-ai, Cleo and Sonya move to counter the affect in the weirdest way possible! Starts out as an intelligent parody, ends up being a farce.


This story is purely meant for entertainment and should not be taken seriously.

You know what? Actually, it should, because it has a lot of important things to say.

Most of them make good sense. The others make no sense. Try and discern the two.

Please enjoy… although I don't think I have to tell you. I'm pretty sure I don't.

Contains girls loving girls and girls hating stories where guys love guys. …Huh?

Cleo & Sonya's Excellent Shoujo-Ai Adventure!

By Al Kristopher

"This is unbelievable!"

"What's the matter, Lady Sonya?" Cleo poked her head into the room, spying her former master's lover sitting at a desk, reading straight from the Suikoden archives at Fanfiction.net. Sonya didn't seem to be enjoying herself very well; every click of the mouse produced an even more disgusted look on her face.

"This is absolutely appalling!" she spat out angrily. "It seems that no matter where I look in this section, I'm running into nothing but shounen-ai! Look, see here!" Sonya then activated the link for a random story, and scrolled down until she came to a certain point. "Look," she indicated, "see there? It's another story about two men finding unlikely and improbable love with each other!"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with that," shrugged Cleo. "I mean, for one, don't the authors have a right to put down what they want? Besides, you know you like reading it, especially if it involves Alen and Grenseal!"

"I do not!" she blurted defensively, though her red cheeks betrayed her outburst. Cleo chuckled, and leaned in so she could scroll around the rest of the archives and prove her companion wrong.

"Sonya, you're overreacting. Look, this isn't _completely_ overrun with shounen-ai, and…… oh, wait, maybe it is…" Cleo frowned grimly as she continued to scroll down the list, and even as she jumped from page to page, there was little to be found outside of constant yaoi stories, most of which did not make any sense at all.

"…Oh dear," she murmured, biting her lip. "Sonya, I hate to admit it, but you may be right. Out of all the pages in the Suikoden archive, nearly every single story in here is a yaoi. Most of it's focused on Jowy and Riou, and of course the two knights in each of the games, and there's a few Viktor-Flik and Tir-Gremio. Goodness, what a bizarre imagination these people must have!"

"Bizarre nothing!" hissed Sonya sourly. "It's a perversion! It's insane! It's uncalled-for, irresponsible, unfair, and immature! All right, I suppose I could understand a few stories here and there… I mean, people _do_ have many different creative ideas… but this is outrageous!" With a growl, Sonya quickly logged out of the website, but of course, since it was Fanfiction.net, she had to activate Ad Blocker for the millionth time that week, and suffered through many messages telling her that "the story did not exist" or "the page was not available".

Finally, she escaped the Website and the Internet entirely, and bolted out of her chair angrily, like lava from a volcano. Cleo understood her rage, and clenched her fist tightly as her comrade smashed on the monitor with her fist.

"What kind of sick freaks are populating this world?" growled the brunette. "Has the entire world gone _gay?_ Isn't there anyone with the sense to create a decent _straight_ pairing? Or do we have to do everything ourselves?"

"I'm afraid to say that it might be the second option," murmured Sonya thoughtfully. She turned to face Cleo, a very serious look on her beautiful face. "Listen, Cleo… If anybody can fix this yaoi mess, it's us women. I don't mind seeing two bishonen get together for sweetheart time, but we must put our foot down somewhere. Enough is enough, wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes! But… what do you propose we do?"

"It's really quite simple," said Sonya with a playful purr. "The two of us must counter all this shounen-ai nonsense, and there's only two ways to do it. One of them is to bolster straight pairings, and the other is to hit them with the opposite."

"You mean shoujo-ai?" said Cleo. Sonya nodded her head, and the brunette instantly became sick as she knew what was about to transpire. "Ohhhhh, no! I know what you're thinking, Sonya Shuelen, and I'm not going to be a part of it!"

"I never said that you had to, Cleo!" replied the blonde. "I was just giving you the statistics. We either support a male-female pairing in Suikoden or one with two women. Or… we could do the hardest thing of them all, and write a story with _no_ pairing in it at all."

"Is that even _possible?_" wondered Cleo, sounding very astounded. A non-romance story in Suikoden (or any) fanfiction was definitely not normal, and very few people had ever bothered to try it. It would be foreign territory and very difficult, so the two beautiful soldiers decided to just go down the romance road for the time.

"Yes… but let's do what we're familiar with first," replied Sonya after some thought. "But of course, even then, 'normal' pairings outnumber shoujo-ai pairings. As far as I know, there's only about three or four out there in the Suikoden archives--at least on Fanfiction.net." Cleo groaned miserably in defeat.

"So we _are_ going for a yuri! Sonya!"

"Now, now, this is strictly for business and the pursuit of all things fair," replied the General wisely. "And remember, the two of us don't have to be the poster women for this movement. We could pull out any two women from the Tablet of Stars and it would work. How else do you think half of the stories start out?"

"Ah, I was wondering how it worked!" Cleo smiled brightly, and shook hands with Sonya as the two women entered into a partnership to make people aware of new and fresh pairings, and put heavy restraint on overabundant shounen-ai.

__

One hour later, our heroines have gathered Camille and Milia together, and explained their plight…

"No WAY!!!" screamed the redhead. "I'm not going along with your sick ideas! I never want to be in a shoujo-ai story for as long as I live! That's sick!"

"And you wanted me to be paired up with _her?_" said Milia, her voice dripping with disbelief. She gave Camille a look and shied away as she saw the fiery woman glaring at Cleo and Sonya. "Ugh, definitely not, even if I had no choice."

"Are you saying there's something _wrong_ with me?!?!" screamed Camille, quickly brandishing her spear. Milia brought hers out as well and countered Camille's stance perfectly.

"Of course not! But you're so ill-mannered and hot-tempered that it disgusts me!"

"I'm WHAT?! You take that back, you boot-licking dragon-humping ditzy blonde!"

"I'M NOT A DITZY BLONDE!!!!" Milia and Camille both lost their tempers and flew towards each other in a bloody death-match, their spears violently clashing and their anger spewing out in flames. Cleo and Sonya stood back a good distance (like half a mile), watching in quiet astonishment as the two women fought each other bitterly. Suddenly, Camille got a scratch on her arm, and Milia received a cut on her shoulder.

"Ow!"

"Ouch!"

"That hurt!" They both groaned and clutched their arms in pain, grinding their teeth and glaring at each other. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Milia reached out and touched Camille's wound.

"You're hurt…"

"Only because of you!"

"But you hurt me as well…"

"So you want an apology or something?" Milia shook her head slowly.

"No… I just want… I just want…"

"What? What do you want?" Milia paused for suspense before concluding the enigma.

"I just… want _you_, Camille!"

"WHAT!" Before Camille knew it, Milia had pounced on her, her arms wrapping around the woman's lithe frame as they began to kiss passionately. Meanwhile, completely left to their own devices far away, Sonya and Cleo watched in dumbstruck awe as the very unlikely scene "blossomed".

"Uhh… what just happened?"

"Let's… not stick around to find out," recommended Cleo. She guided Sonya away by the arm, leaving the two rivals/lovers to experience each other's love. As usual.

__

Five minutes later, our heroines walk down a stone path together…

"I really didn't see that coming," said Cleo, breaking the awkward silence. Sonya sighed wearily.

"I did. You know that it's a standard rule for all rivals in any anime or video game to be lovers, regardless of gender. They may appear to hate each other, but rules state that the strongest hate was branched from the strongest love. So in theory, I am in love with the young Master."

"Wait a minute!" blurted Cleo, standing in front of her companion. "What rules? What theory? I was never told about any of this!" Sonya gave Cleo another sigh, and rolled her eyes as if to say, "a woman with your experience should really know better".

"Well, lady Cleo… these aren't official rules, of course. It's just that… so many fanfiction writers seem to think that way; it's really almost become acceptable. I know it seems strange and illogical, but which makes more sense: an overabundance of shounen-ai stories, regardless of the lead character's sexual preference, or rivals/enemies becoming lovers?"

A pause.

"You have a point," agreed Cleo. "It's really perplexing. But Camille and Milia weren't even rivals, and they didn't appear to dislike each other until we brought up the whole yuri thing."

"They were arguing," emphasized Sonya. "For many writers, that's good enough for a romance story." Cleo made a face and sneered, visibly disgusted.

"Ugh, what's this world come to?" Sonya nodded her head, agreeing wholeheartedly.

"I know! That's why we have to do what we're doing now!"

"But who else would want to be involved in a yuri relationship that we know of?" Sonya sighed thoughtfully, and gave it a long period of consideration. Her gaze wandered to Cleo's, who was slowly realizing what she had in mind. "Oh, Sonya…"

"We're the only ones I trust to complete this crusade," she said quietly. "Nobody else could do it. Most of those pairings don't even make sense, but at least it would if you and I were…" Cleo interrupted her, shaking her head as if to clear up all the nonsense.

"Look, I like and respect you a lot, Lady Sonya, but there are some lines I would never cross, not even for a good cause."

"We won't have sex or anything like that!" exclaimed Shuelen. "In fact, we don't even have to touch each other for it to work. We could just pine for each other hopelessly and it would count."

"Really? Are you sure?" Sonya nodded her head on both accounts. "How do _you_ know all that?"

"Well, I _was_ spending a lot of time in those fanfiction archives," she replied with a mysterious smirk. "When you spend as much time in there as I have, you learn a few things."

"…I see. Well, this reminds me why I never wanted to _waste_ my time… Anyway, where should we go now?" Ignoring her comrade's remark, Sonya turned around and pointed into the distance.

"There," she said. "We go in that direction. It leads to the Suikoden Office of Official and Non-canon Pairings. We can talk to the ones in charge there and see if anything can't be done about this situation."

"I think I understand," replied the brunette. "Well, we'd better get going, then. Oh, Sonya?"

"Yes?" Cleo's face turned red as she looked down at the path, obviously uncomfortable about what she was going to say next.

"If we're going to represent the shoujo-ai couples of the Suikoden format archive… do we have to hold hands or anything?" Sonya grinned and chuckled at the older woman's bashfulness. It was really quite cute, in a strange way.

"I think so," she said, though she was positive that it wasn't necessary. She just wanted to see how far Cleo would go, and how badly the older woman wanted the officials to recognize more than just yaoi. With a sigh, Cleo inched closer to her comrade and slipped her hand into Sonya's.

"All right, if it's necessary, I won't complain. …Oh. Well, uh… it's not so bad…" Cleo blushed cutely again, and Sonya couldn't help but chuckle quietly as she guided her "companion" to the Office of Pairings.

__

Five awkward minutes pass, and our heroines find themselves at the Office of Pairings…

The two beautiful women were still holding hands as they came into the large office building, so they drew a few stares. While they were in there, they spotted Qlon and Mina talking quietly, and could see Templeton and Meg speaking about adventures. Luc and Viki were absorbed in a mature conversation (surprise) and Lorelai was waiting alongside Flik. The two women stared quietly at the unusual pairings as they made their way through, until they came to the main office room.

"It looks like this is the place," observed Cleo. "Hmm… should we knock?"

"No, we're on a mission," replied Sonya. "Let's show ourselves in. If the door is locked, we break it down!" Cleo couldn't help but grin at the younger woman, and released her hand so she could try the knob. To her faint disappointment, it was unlocked, and they were allowed inside. The room they entered was a bit like a courtroom, except that only the judge's chair remained, and of course the judge.

"Ah, what are you two ladies doing here?" he asked them. "What can I help you with? If you're looking for Alen and Grenseal, they're off chasing rabbits."

"…Excuse us?" The judge flustered and corrected his error.

"Oh, whoops! I meant to say that they're scheduled to join lady Camille and lady Milia! I wouldn't know what for, especially since I just got the word that they're now a couple."

"Who, Alen and Grenseal?"

"No, Camille and Milia! Strange, eh?" Both Cleo and Sonya gave each other grim looks before responding.

"…Yeah… So what're Alen and Grenseal going to do, convert them?"

"I didn't know homosexuality was a religion!" coughed the judge. Cleo and Sonya shared another grim stare.

"Uh… whatever. Anyway, your honor, we're here to talk to you today about shounen-ai pairings--but not in the way you're thinking of." The elderly man smiled, adjusting his glasses as he gazed down at them.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I know. Two beautiful young ladies such as you should have an interest in yaoi stories. I myself don't care for them; I like mysteries better. But I'd say that it's pretty normal for you."

"Actually, your honor, we'd like for you to take action _against_ them." A pause.

"Huh? What was that? Did I hear you correctly, lady Cleo?"

"Yes, your honor," she replied. "Lady Sonya and I have both observed that there is far too many yaoi stories on the Suikoden archive of Fanfiction.net--actually, they're all over the place, but Suikoden concerns us first because we're a part of that universe--so we'd like for you to do something." The judge frowned, fixing his glasses as he grumbled and considered their words. It wasn't unusual for a person to request abolishing a certain kind of fiction, but two beautiful women who wanted to put an end to shounen-ai…?

"Do something? What do you think I could do? What's done is done, and I can't interfere with a person's creative licenses, no matter how absurd or monotonous they seem."

"We realize this, your honor," replied Sonya. "And while we can't undo what's done, we do have a suggestion for you."

"What's that?" he wondered. Sonya and Cleo smiled at each other, and clasped hands once again.

"Shoujo-ai, your honor," they said together. The elderly man raised his eyebrow in confusion.

"Hmm? Shoujo-ai? You mean yuri? When two girls love each other?"

"Yes, your honor. You must realize that the ratio of yaoi and yuri stories is almost nonexistent. For every hundred shounen-ai there are, one shoujo-ai exists. We _must_ make more people aware of this! We must make them believe that there is more to the Suikoden world than just gay men!"

"But you're doing just the opposite!" coughed the judge. "I'm all for adverse pairings and original ideas, but you're just trying to crusade for the opposite of what you're fighting against! Besides, there's enough of that in the Sailor Moon archives!"

"But we're from the Suikoden archives!" insisted Cleo. "And if you've ever spent any time running through their volumes, you've noticed that out of six-hundred plus stories, there's only five or so with any hint of shoujo-ai!" The judge sighed and frowned again, uncomfortable with the unusual burden that had just been cast upon him. He was technically neutral in every field and aspect, and usually championed a pairing if he felt it was justified and it made sense. He understood the soldiers' dilemma, though, and came to a verdict.

"Well, your case is justified and your reasoning is sound. I'd like to see where this goes. Lady Cleo, Lady Sonya, upon your request and by the power vested in me by the Pairings Commission of the Entertainment Industry, I hereby declare your case affirmed and supported. May the two of you be the best examples by which every other pairing is modeled after."

"Uh… us?" they squeaked. He nodded his head.

"Yes, you. You wanted to fight against yaoi by using its exact opposite, so why don't you practice what you preach? Go ahead and leave in peace and love; I have many more pairings to do. Next?" Cleo and Sonya were left to gape as the judge decreed his sentence, and soon another pairing walked through the door: Borus and Yumi. They shyly waved at the "new couple" and began speaking to the judge about their own case. Sonya and Cleo were left to stare at each other in amazement.

"Well, I guess we've made our bed and now we have to sleep in it," shrugged the brunette. Sonya shivered.

"Brr! What a disturbing analogy! If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you had a dirty mid, Lady Cleo!" Cleo gave Sonya a lewd smile and placed her arm around the younger woman's shoulder.

"You'll never know… Let's just go home and reap the fruits of our labor."

"Aah! More suggestive talk! Cleo!!" Cleo chuckled quietly, and led Sonya out of the Office for Pairings and back down the path, where they went back to where they once belonged.

__

Three hours later…

Cleo and Sonya cuddled together softly, happy to be in the gentle embrace of each other--surprisingly. Cleo smiled, stroking Sonya's golden locks of free-flowing hair as she felt the younger woman breathe in and out, her pulse vibrating every so often. She had been on both sides of embraces before, man and woman alike, but this was the first time where there were any real feelings of love in the action. The two had originally started out as being bewildered and tentative, but a few hours spent together melted their walls (and their heart), and soon they were in each other's arms--all for a "noble" cause.

"You know, this isn't half-bad," said Sonya quietly. She looked up into the beautiful face of the woman who was once her lover's servant, and smiled at the image of loveliness. She even touched her face delicately, making sure that there was plenty of shoujo-ai to go around.

"You're very beautiful," she whispered. Cleo smiled.

"You're not so bad yourself, milady." They smiled at each other, and Sonya quietly kissed the older woman's hand several times. "Yeah… this is kind of nice… and who knows, maybe more shoujo-ai will come of it!"

"Or less shounen-ai," added Sonya with a nod. "Or best of all, unique pairings. It doesn't matter; the point is that people should think outside the box every once in awhile."

"Mmm… you're right. Oh! Hey… I wonder what the girls from all the other Suikoden games think of this! I wonder, indeed…"

__

Meanwhile, at Leona's bar in Dunan Castle…

"I honestly think it's great that people are finally concentrating on alternate pairings!" General Valeria smiled and gave Miklotov a big sweet hug. Beside her, Anita gave Camus a big sweet kiss.

"It's the unappreciated characters that benefit from this the most," she sang. "Or maybe it's us four; who knows?" Behind them, polishing a glass and raising her black eyebrow, Leona gave them an erotic stare.

"Oh? Well, you know, Cleo and Sonya were talking about shoujo-ai… so you're not exactly accurate. Although the four of you look very good together!"

"_Shoujo-_ai?" blurted Anita and Valeria at the same time. They gawked, pointing at each other and shrieking, "You mean _I_ have to be with _her?_"

"You _are_ rivals," shrugged Leona. "You know the rules."

"RULES??" Miklotov sighed in defeat.

"Oh, darn--and just when I was getting to like the arrangement. I'll bet somebody out there wants to see a Camus/Miklotov shounen-ai as well…"

"I DO!!!" screamed Nanami. A sweat drop came to Camus' head.

"Ahuh… oh jeez… what a predicament! I wonder how the girls from the other Suikoden games feel about this. I wonder indeed…"

__

Meanwhile, somewhere in Brass Fortress…

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Stupid True Water Rune!" shouted Chris, slamming her hand against the wall over and over again. Every strike was designed to silence the accursed annoying spirits who would forevermore remain inside its mystical walls.

_"Ouch! Lady Chris, that hurts!"_

"Stop talking to me!" she screamed, covering her ears with her gauntlets. "I'm not hearing these voices! The doctor told me that it's all in my head! Stop it!"

_"But you're not hearing voices!"_ insisted the whispering sound that came from the Rune. _"This is Yun speaking to you through the Rune! Remember what transpired in the Sindar Ruins, where you attained the Rune and discovered the identity of your father? Now I can speak to you always, forevermore! We'll be together, Chris--in spirit, maybe, but together!"_

"Auuugh, I'm not going crazy!" Chris drew her hand back and slammed it against the wall, again and again, hoping to silence the voices in her head.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Stupid True Water Rune!"

_"Ouch! Ouch! That hurts! Owie!"_

"Uhh, Lady Chris…"

"Don't bother, Percival," advised Borus, shoving his friend away gently with his arm. He looked back at the Silver Maiden and her senseless masochism, and shook his head. "It's best not to ask."

__

The End… sort of…


End file.
